I have a feeling that today’s blog will be more contemplative than usual. For one thing, I haven’t really done anything that interesting lately. In fact, the past week has just been more of the same, so I have nothing much to report. Secondly, hm…what was that second point? I guess that it wasn’t that important.
The past couple days, I realized that I’ve felt a bit dazed and confused. It’s kind of like I’m at the point where things annoy me and I shrug and move on. Then something exciting happens and I enjoy the moment, but then the glow quickly fades and I return to a state of neutrality. It’s kind of disconcerting.
I think that it may be a result of continually being challenged all day, everyday. For a while, things would really amp me up, either positively or negatively, but now I roll with what comes my way and wait to see what will happen next. Maybe it’s because I feel like something is always lurking just around the corner. Maybe I’m integrating. Maybe it’s my mellow nature coming out. I’m not sure.
I think partly it’s because I’ve been trying to understand why things happen the way they do and figure out why life here is the way it is. I know it is different from life at home. Is it worse? I don’t know. I came out here with an open mind feeling prepared for all the possibilities of the unknown. Then a few crazy things happened that rattled my cage and frustration set in and my open mind became a bit narrower. Perhaps life felt more secure if I maintained the belief that my perception on life was absolute and anything outside of it was ridiculous. If I could just put up with nonsense for a bit, I will eventually return home where things make sense. As I’ve cooled off, that doesn’t really sit well with me. That’s contradicts the nature of why I’m here.
I didn’t come here just to get through and survive. There are many reasons why I came, but I truly did want to find a deeper understanding of the world and of life in general. The truth is that I came out here with ideas about how things are supposed to be. I didn’t realize that I had such stubborn ideas until I merrily crashed into the different and had some very strong reactions. Those ideas are being challenged. While at first, while being metaphorically pushed around, I instinctively want to push back; I realize that I’m going nowhere. I take a step back and realize, well, people have been making it work in a different way for a long time, maybe there’s something to the madness?
So now I don’t know what to believe. Portia de Rossi wrote in her autobiography, “‘Neither here nor there’ was an expression my grandmother would use to describe confusion and displacement, and it is a disturbing place to be.” I know that all of my previous perceptions cannot all be correct, but I also know that not everything about the way of life here is exactly perfect or “right” either. So where do the differences converge to create a more whole picture of what “things should be like?” Again, I’m not sure. I suppose I will have to wait, learn more, and figure it out as I go along. If I’ve suddenly made you feel like you want to now go and listen to Alannis Morissette’s “You Learn,” you’re not alone.
The one thing that I currently understand is that I don’t understand anything. I’ve always known that life isn’t black and white. Life is too complicated for that. I’ve come to learn that it isn’t gray either. In fact, it is a whole myriad of colors. It’s not a two dimensional scale. It exists in three dimensions. I feel like I’m on journey collecting more colors to add to my life’s palette.
On the bright side, work is coming along. My diagnostic now feels more like a massive college research paper, and I feel after years of writing papers, I can definitely tackle that. Everyone at the school is awesome. I love working with them – and not only the kids, but the teachers too. So to quote Mary Shelly, “Yet, do not suppose, because I complain a little or because I can conceive a consolation for my toils which I may never know, that I am wavering in my resolutions.” I definitely feel like I have work to do in this little town and I’m pretty excited about it.
Onwards and upwards! Stick with me folks, I feel like a very interesting story is beginning to unravel.
No comments:
Post a Comment